And, of course, you all know that I have Major Depressive Disorder.
Combine the two links and think about what this means for a moment. An online friend made a post today that sparked some thoughts; thoughts about spoons, time, energy, resources and the allocation of same.
When things are going well and I'm feeling pretty good, I don't use many of my daily spoons on managing my depression. Maybe something like, oh, 35% of my energy goes towards monitoring my mood, my reactions, my stress levels and energy levels. The rest goes to maintaining my health and hygiene, making sure I do what I'm supposed to do and whatever is left over goes to working. That'd be, at a guesstimate, 30% of my daily energy goes to doing things that are not chores for the house. When I'm feeling good.
When things are not good, when I'm having to fight off the urge to crawl into bed and never ever come back out again, guess where my spoons all go?
Yeah. When it's bad, a couple of percentage points worth of spoons go to things like not-peeing-in-bed, eating-a-cracker or other essential functions. The rest of the spoonage is all about grappling with my headmeats.
So let's say it's a fairly normal day. Not too bad, not one of the amazing once in a blue moon holy shit I feel GOOD days... One of the days about like today, for instance.
I spend that same baseline 35% of my energy on monitoring myself. Plus an additional 30% to manage the outbursts and upwellings, the swings and sudden dips. Tack on 15% for watching what I say and 5% for always knowing where everyone is, what they're doing and how I should react to them (in other words, social interactions). That last 15% gets divided between essential functions like putting on clothes, doing chores, cooking and cleaning, and work.
Why yes, that does suck rotten eggs, thank you for noticing.
I spend so much of my time and energy monitoring myself, watching, sitting on my feelings and emotional reactions. Imagine what I could get accomplished if I weren't fucking having to manage this brain illness. I did a lot last year. I was feeling amazing, I had energy and focus and I could just... do things.
In comparison, this year has sucked big time. The garden hasn't been messed with, or expanded. The patio isn't done. The hole in the backyard hasn't been fixed, the pond hasn't been installed. The gutters haven't been cleared. The ceiling fans are nasty. The kids haven't been played with, my personal relationships are in the shitter, I'm trying to start a new business while at the same time earning a living.
The standards for the housework have gone up, the requirements for my continued living here are changing. And I'm dragging myself out of a depressive episode. By my teeth, goddamnit, by my teeth.
Oh, and speaking of teeth, wait, no, nevermind, let's not speak of teeth. I'd rather not think about mine just now.
I hate depression. I really hate it. How I pray that someone, some deity somewhere, some force could take it away. I'm done with it. I'm tired. I'd like to have a life again. I had a taste last year, and how dare fate or destiny or what the fuck ever come along and take my normal life away?!
It's not FAIR!
And knowing that fair doesn't enter into it, that the universe as a whole doesn't care about what's fair or not for me... I am a speck in the eye of god. No one promised me fair in life. I get that, I do.
Doesn't make it suck less, tho.
I want people to understand. I want you to understand what I do each day, just to live. How I work, hard, on myself. I'm determined to beat back the black dog. It will not rule my life, I will not be held hostage to my brain chemistry.
Even though all I want right this moment is to crawl back under the covers and go to sleep.
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