Microcosm/Macrocosm

I think a lot of relationships happen more in the mind than in reality.

The illusion of who we think we're in a relationship with is more alluring and attractive than the reality of that person for a lot of people. NRE is all about illusion, after all. It's that veil of energy that is drawn over our eyes, blinding us to the little imperfections and flaws, the magnetic pull that brings two people together. Without it, we'd never get past the little nit picks and peeves -- our species would have already died out.

For a relationship to survive past the NRE stage, the participants in that relationship must be willing to put aside their perception of their partner's flaws. The flaws are still there, just as they were from the beginning, but now, without NRE to cloud perception, the flaws become visible, noticeable. The trick seems to be to put aside one's annoyance and dislike of those flaws in order to continue to appreciate and enjoy the good parts of one's partner.

After NRE, each individual has to look at the relationship as a whole, the other person, and at themselves, and decide if the positive outweighs the negative. Or, are the flaws in the other person a relationship deal breaker?

I'm not saying that all relationships fall apart because the NRE veil is no longer there... just that for some people, it seems likely that without the NRE shiney making things sparkle and shine the other person is just too flawed.

I think, and this is just me spitballing here, that if you want to learn to love after NRE, you should learn to love yourself. If you can accept yourself as a flawed human deserving of love, respect and happiness, then you can accept other people as the same.

Microcosm/Macrocosm. Just a thought...

Angry

I was talking to a friend last night, and she said that I seemed angry. This was... well, it bothers me, because I thought I was calm.

In my ongoing quest to become more in touch with my emotions and feelings, I've decided to explore this anger.

Let me tell you the situation that aroused my emotions:

The coin theory of relationships

I once had a friend. This friend was the bees knees, the apple's blossom, she was just the coolest person ever. People orbited her, flowed in her wake and gravitated towards her.

One day, my friend went a little bit crazy. I mean, we all go a little bit crazy sometimes. You know? The world just gets too loud and sharp and dangerous, so we go away for a while. I understand this, hell, I do it myself. 

The main difference between my friend and me is in what we do when we come back from our little crazy spells.

The difference, btw, would be why after the last time my friend went crazy, she and I weren't so much friends anymore.

Let me illustrate, and see if you, dear reader, can pick up on the difference...

So, say you go a little bit crazy and take a break. You drop your friends, don't return phone calls, don't email, text or chat online. You simply are not at home to them. And one day, the crazy has retreated, you're feeling better, and you realize that all your friends aren't around anymore. You're alone.

You send out an email to your once dear and beloved, telling them that you're having a get together, and they should come over. When your friend(s) come over, you very graciously tell them that it's ok that there was a break in the relationship, you're ready to move on and forgive and forget the whole thing. 

It's ok that they stopped calling, texting or emailing you, that they didn't try hard enough to maintain the relationship. It's even ok that they weren't strong enough to break through your wall of silence to reach you, slap you around and force you into therapy. You forgive them.

Got that? Ok, here's another one:

You take a break because the world is too rough, too demanding, and you just can't take it anymore. One day, you realize you're all alone, the house is a pit and the cats need food.

So you send out an email to your friends, telling them that you've had a rough couple of months, that you're really sorry you missed all the important things in their lives, and that you'd like to reconnect with them. 

You find some therapy, even if it's just talking to your cats like the crazy cat person that you are, and you start to move out into the world again. You do your best to own your mistakes, the fact that you were a shitty friend, and to ask for forgiveness for the things you did wrong.

Got that one too?

See the fundamental difference between those two responses? One response is of a person who takes responsibility for the things they've done, for the mess, does what they can to fix their end of a relationship and allows time and space for forgiveness to come organically. The other version foists responsibility for the whole mess off onto everyone else. 

The problem with the 'foist off responsibility' track is that it robs the crazy person of agency, takes away their power to change things and makes them the helpless victim of everyone else's weakness/lack of caring/failure to breach the wall of silence. It also makes all the friends into evil people who didn't care enough to make the effort. 

I dislike the black and white approach to interpersonal relationships that implies, the hard edge of 'right/wrong' applied to the way we treat each other and the sheer power imbalance. 

If you're in a relationship where you feel like you're either the victim or the aggressor, then that relationship is unhealthy. If you're ever tempted to try to squirrel out of your share of the responsibility for relationship conflict or troubles, if you find yourself apologizing for every bump in the relationship... the relationship isn't good for you, or for your friend.

So I had this friend. And I worshiped her. She was who I wanted to be. 

I think of her sometimes, and I wonder how she is, if she's happy or sad, how she feels, what she thinks... and then I remember that I spent a lot of time apologizing to her for being weak, for being small and broken. I remember that I realized one day that there are two people in a relationship, and that every 'wrong' I'd been painted with could just as easily been hers.

I've taken responsibility for my half of the relationship, but I refused then and now, always and forevermore, to take responsibility for the other half. 

There are two sides to every relationship, each side owned by a different person.

Vegetarian Won-tons

Today's lunch was savory won-tons, or as G. told the kids "cheese presents."

I had some won-ton wrappers left over from this weekends experiment in making crab rangoons (a success, btw), so I figured I'd use them up.

In a medium bowl I mixed up half a package of firm tofu and a half package of cream cheese. To this I added about a cup of shredded sharp cheddar. I minced and added a quarter cup or so of onion and about the same amount of green bell pepper. I tossed in a knife blade's worth of Chinese five spice powder and then mixed the whole thing up. I used my hands, to squish everything together and break up the larger chunks of tofu.

I packed a teaspoon full into each won-ton skin, folded them up and dropped them into hot oil. When the bottoms turned a pretty brown, I flipped them to get the tops very lightly. I didn't leave them upside down for long because I didn't want the yummy insides to drip out.

I plated them up and served them with the rest of the won-ton skins cut up and fried on the side. A big bowl of roasted veggies rounded everything out.

The verdict from the kids was that they were very yummy (although I think the flavor was unusual enough that they tired of it quickly). I think they were incredibly good -- the crab and cream cheese ones I made over the weekend needed sweet and sour sauce to complete their flavor goodness, these were awesome without any sauce at all. Also, they're completely vegetarian.

I'll definitely be adding won-ton goodies to my regular repertoire.

Tarot

I sometimes turn to online tarot reading programs. Today, my questions was: what problems will there be with the move. And this is what I got:

The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Ten of Pentacles (Wealth), when reversed: Material prosperity and riches squandered through slothfulness, gambling, or family problems. The loss of reputation or inheritance, or the failure to pass an inheritance along to one's children.

The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. Three of Cups (Abundance): A time of merriment and reflection spent in the company of friends and loved ones. The conclusion of a matter in plenty and perfection. The strength of a diverse community being brought together. May suggest a celebration, festival, anniversary, wedding, baby shower, or other joyous gathering.

Notes from Brain Shrinkage

Today in therapy I talked about the coming changes.

Yes, I did get the job I was wondering and worrying about yesterday. Yay! The pay per minute isn't as high as I could like, but it's a job, yo. A job doing something I'm good at, something I enjoy, something that feeds my soul. A paying job.

Furthermore, a job that has a schedule. This is bliss, for me. I need the outside structure that a schedule provides; without the schedule, I have a strong tendency to remain at rest. Inertia, it's not just for objects.

Moving Stress

I keep watching the clock today. I'm waiting for one pm, when I have a phone appointment with a psychic company. I'm rather excited about this, as it will hopefully provide me with the income that I need.

You see, I'm moving in September. Before I move out, I want (need) to have my debt all paid off. So in the next month I need to earn somewhat more than $2,000. Needless to say, this is making me very stressed.

If I don't pay off the debt in full, the former life partner will most likely demand that I leave something as collateral. And I think I know what she'll ask me to leave: my grandmother's wedding china.

It took a battle to pry it out of my mother's hands; she thought I'd pawn it or sell it, you see. I would never ever do that, the china is too precious to be used for just money.

Let me back up a bit, and explain about me and money. I don't do well with money -- I see it as a tool to increase joy, to provide happiness sometimes, to get stuff... It is not a synonym for those things, it is a thing to aid in getting those things. Without it, those things can still be found; joy, pleasure, happiness and stuff are not dependent on the condition of having money.

So, me and money, we have a rough relationship. I use it like a tool, as a means to an end; it is not the end itself. And this gets me into philosophical hot water with other people sometimes.

How To Be Alone

Spoons

You all know the spoon theory, right? Good. Because that's important to know about.

And, of course, you all know that I have Major Depressive Disorder. 

Combine the two links and think about what this means for a moment. An online friend made a post today that sparked some thoughts; thoughts about spoons, time, energy, resources and the allocation of same.