In which I seek compassion

In the past month four gay or suspected-to-be-gay youths have committed suicide after having been bullied by their classmates.

Billy Lucas (15 years old)
Seth Walsh (13 years old)
Asher Brown (13 years old)
Tyler Clementi (18 years old)

They hung themselves, shot themselves and jumped off a bridge to escape the torment of their daily lives.

Tyler Wilson (11 years old)  had his arm broken by bullies because he joined a cheerleading squad.

I don't have the words to express how this makes me feel, but I must try.

I am unutterably sad that these young people could see no way out of the situations they were in other than to take their own lives. That level of hopeless despair, the depths of the pain they were in... I know that feeling, I remember it. I remember feeling so broken, beaten, feeling like there was no other solution, no options left. Feeling that the way things are is the way they will always be, and that to live one more day in the pit was too much...

Oh gods do I remember that feeling.

I am completely pissed that such a situation could arise. I am enraged that it has arisen not once, but four times in one month. The culture we live in sees nothing wrong with teasing and baiting children, bullying these babies until every drop of hope has been killed, rooted out and only despair remains. I fucking hate that.

I hate it when I hear 'gay' used as an insult. I want to scream when something is called 'so queer'. I want to shake the people who think buyllying isn't big deal, I want to inject empathy into them until they understand.

I want to let go of this anger and hatred in myself, because I know it is the same anger and hatred that leads to bullying, teasing, and acts of violence. The thing I reject grows inside of me; I pray for compassion. Because I know that hate and fear grow in ignorance, fostered by the same lack of hope that drove Billy, Seth, Asher and Tyler to kill themselves. Instead of focusing inward, the despair seeks outward for a target; something, anything to relieve the pressure, alleviate the suffering...

I want to find a way to tell all the hurting people that there is hope, there is a way out, there is a solution that doesn't require you to spread your pain to others. I want to tell them not to give up, not to lash out, not to suicide. I don't know if my words are enough and I fear that I lack the strength to do more.

When it hurts too much, when you can't contain it anymore, release your pain and let it go. Yes there is pain, and there is fear, but giving in to it only makes it stronger; fear and pain can strengthen you, temper you, make you better -- it is the form your actions take that gives meaning. What you do is more important than why you do it; intentions don't matter.

If you hurt and you act in violence, the violence is what will be remembered. If you ache and despair and act to harm yourself or others, it is the act that will be remembered. You will be remembered by your actions in this world, not by your motivations. It is in your acts that you will be judged, weighed, thought of.

Instead of violence, instead of hurting others to numb the pain inside, instead of following the same gods-be-damned patterns do something different. Make art, write an angry poem, volunteer with a soup kitchen, make a video about how you feel, sing a song... if the root of your fear and anger is a cultural rejection of the idealized anti-male/female/feminine then embrace that rejected half of your soul.

You want to feel whole? Happy, healthy, hopeful? You want to find peace in this moment, peace in your skin? Do you want to smile and laugh and be happy right now? This moment is all that there is: the past is a memory and the future is speculation. Right now, in this moment, you must face what you fear, face your anger, recognize in it a part of yourself, and embrace it.

The people you hate, the ones who symbolize your hate, fear and anger? Them? They don't deserve to have your unexamined Id spewed all over them. Everyone is fighting a battle of some kind; try to keep the friendly fire to an absolute minimum. And don't spread your destructive hate-filled angst around.

Outlets in which to express yourself:

The Trevor Project volunteer, call and talk, get educated.
the It Gets Better Project make a video, express yourself.
http://www.glsen.org
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org
http://www.beatbullying.org
http://wegotyourbackproject.wordpress.com
http://www.imfromdriftwood.com